Stuff where dreams are made of…

December 28, 2011

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Once upon a time (actually it happened as recently as 2006) I fell in love with one of the most pretty ladies I ever met. She was not only pretty but smart also and her mind was fast and furious at times.

Unfortunately the conditions were not in favor to allow this beautiful love-seed to blossom. In stead of a rewarding relationship, I got a lot of misery. Misery not caused by others but by my own ignorance and expectations. I had a tough time letting go of this experience. But time goes on and heals the broken heart.  

Today I’m back here at Kratomhin, the place where that love potential first saw daylight. The lady is gone. Leaving behind only this dress and those shoes. 

Kratomhin is a lovely place. A resort surrounded by the beautiful, rolling hills of Wang Nahm Keow. Guests are pampered. Food is served hot and tasty.

Without that lady however, Kratomhin is like a heaven without angels. Like nirvana without deva’s. 

It feels like the story is not over yet. It’s like the dress and shoes are waiting patiently. Waiting for Cinderella to return. They fit only one. That one.

It’s good stuff. Stuff where dreams are made of. Only that lady knows. Knows if she ever choose this fairy tale to be true.


On choices, changing choices…

June 14, 2008
The Light By Which To Act

Image by premasagar via Flickr

Choices are important. They determine what you choose to create in your life. Ans experiences that choices he made seems not longer true or relevant. For this, he doubted himself.  He doubted because his choices did not become reality.  He felt like he wasted a lot of time.

Working through this inner struggle to get his choices clear, helped him to understand the creation process better:  choices are simply changing.  When you evolve and open up, your choices are evolving as well.  They reflect in a way your state of being in the now moment. He understands now that he can make choices on different levels.  He understands that it is necessary to let go of old ones to make space for new ones. New choices coming from a deeper soul level.

The next quote from a Tobias Q&A describes this understanding:

QUESTION FROM SHAUMBRA 6 (a woman at the microphone): Hi Tobias. For the last few months, I have had a lot of trouble making decisions. I make them (…) and the next day, the next week, it’s like, “Well no, that wasn’t the right choice.” I change my mind. I make another definite choice, and it keeps going around and around and around. And I talked to people today who are going through the same thing. Why can’t I make a decision and make it stick?

TOBIAS: Indeed. Excellent question (…)

Interesting phenomena. All Shaumbra are in a change energy. Your essence knows that there is constant state of flux. Your human self doesn’t really understand that yet. It’s uncomfortable with tremendous change taking place. You’re allowing yourself to practice conscious choice at the human mental level, and it’s wonderful because at least it’s showing you the flexibility that you have, showing you that you can indeed make choices. But it’s also showing you that you don’t have to get locked into anything. You’re not living on a linear path anymore.

You made a very interesting choice, for instance, about retirement, but you look at retirement as something that happens at a certain point in time and in a very linear calendar time. You change your mind, and it’s actually not your mind, but you change your perspective later because a part of you realizes that, in a sense, that was so yesterday, very old. And now with all of the rapid changes you realize that maybe there’s something else you want to do. You’re giving yourself the wisdom of the freedom of choice and change, which is very, very important. You’re taking off all the old restrictions.

But it’s also now at a different level forcing … not forcing, but encouraging you to make choices of what you would call the heart or the spirit rather than choices of the mind and just the human. There’s a tendency to focus first on choices that are very tangible and very much applied to the comfort of the human – choices about abundance or choices about health and very, very three-dimensional things. But then as you play with choices, you move up a level and then you start making choices of consciousness and spirit. At that point you realize you no longer really have to make choices of the human nature – the feeding, clothing and maintenance and protection of your human self – because those become quite incidental. The choices you make on a higher level will automatically take care of what we call the lower level needs.

All of this is trying to boost you up or move you up to very broad consciousness choices now. You’re actually on the right path, so to speak.

SHAUMBRA 6: Thank you.

Bookmark On choices, changing choices...


Transformation.

March 28, 2008

In this blog, Ans wants to share  the transformation process of two caterpillars into butterflies.  The caterpillars were eating the leaves of the plants on his terrace and transformed themselves already into a golden and a black cocoon.  The transformation he witnesses on his terrace is timely and a good symbol for his own transformation process.   The black cocoon symbolizes the dark parts of his soul and the golden cocoon is a symbol for the light parts of his soul.  Both of them will transform into a beautiful butterfly.  That means that all of our aspects, the dark included, are important to become a truly beautiful human being. Isn’t nature just amazing?

27 – 3 – 2008:

Transformation ~black cocoon. Transformation ~ golden cocoon.

29 – 3 – 2008:

Transformation ~ black cocoon 2 Transformation ~ golden cocoon 2

5 – 4 – 2008:

Transformation ~ cocoon golden 3 Transformation ~ cocoon black 3

9 – 4 – 2008:

black cocoon 4 golden cocoon 4

There appears a hole in the golden cocoon. It seems like the butterflies left their cocoons through the little hole.  Flying towards freedom.

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RIP Ans.

June 11, 2007

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I like to share a strange experience I had today. I woke up with a feeling that something really terrible would happen. Something to do with dying.

The last two weeks, death is visiting me often. Two weeks ago, the brother of my friend had an accident. Last Friday I attended the funeral of a niece of my mother. She died from old age. Last Friday night the grandmother of An, my landlady, died. And then this morning this strange feeling.

Castle Steytelinck - park of Wilrijk Park of Wilrijk.

I went for a walk in the citypark of Wilrijk, close to my new residence. When I go for a walk like this, there is no goal. I just follow my feet and see what happens. My feet know where to go. In this way the most magical things may happen. This time my feet guided me to a graveyard, next to the park. It was the first time I saw this graveyard and I was impressed by the silence and the quietness of the death. Very peaceful, partly due to the green environment of the surroundings.

A rose bush was flowering with pink roses. There was a grave in the shape of a heart. The whole environment made me feel easy about death. Death is not necessary bad. Death can be very peaceful and beautiful.
After a while I noticed my name on one of the graves. Ans. Funny, I thought so. But then I saw my name on another grave. And another, and another… Many of the graves underneath the rose bush, were carrying my name. I was surprised.

Slowly the understanding came that today was my day to die. Not literally of course, but dying at the inside. Letting go of parts of myself that were ready to leave. Parts of myself that served me well, but are no longer of any use. In particular the Ans who looks always outside to find happiness. The Ans who craves to have a partner. The Ans who creates stories that are not true. The Ans who tries to fulfil expectations of others by sacrificing his own authenticity…

That Ans was ready to leave and the surrounding helped me to say goodbye with an easy feeling. The heart-grave, the rose bush and the green around made the parting bearable. Thank you Ans for everything you have done. I have loved you and hated you. I wanted to follow you and wanted to kill you. Above all, I was so used to you. You were so familiar, and that’s why the farewell hurts a little. What will happen next? How can I live my life without you? Fear for the unknown.

Deep inside, I know it is time for you to go. Time to make space.Be happy my friend.
Rest in peace.
Ans

statue at the graveyard and a wondrous rainbow.

Statue on the graveyard of Wilrijk.

Bookmark RIP Ans.


Hope.

June 7, 2007

Boat ornated for Loy Kratong.

 

Een vlaamse klassieker die deze morgen in mijn hoofd rondwaart. I like the melody and the lyrics. It is a song about never giving up. A song about keep going even when things look not always as you expect them to be. Doorgaan, no matter what. A song about hope and courage. Keep going on the road you had in mind. But have the courage to walk around the bend when a bend shows up. There will be even a straighter road

The song encourages to keep going:

Keep going in a speechless night,
Keep going with a wobbly certainty,
Keep going in a trench without light,
Keep going everytime you stand still,
naked in a hurricane.
Keep going when nobody expect you anylonger to keep going.
We ‘ll keep going until we are together.

 

“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well,
but the certainty that something makes sense,
regardless of how it turns out.”

~Vaclav Havel~

 

 

We zullen doorgaan (Ramses Shaffey)
We zullen doorgaan, met de stootkracht van de milde kracht
We zullen doorgaan, in de sprakeloze nacht
We zullen doorgaan, we zullen doorgaan
We zullen doorgaan, tot we samen zijn

We zullen doorgaan, met de weifelende zekerheid
Om door te gaan, in een sprakeloze tijd
We zullen doorgaan, we zullen doorgaan
We zullen doorgaan tot we samen zijn

We zullen doorgaan, met het zweet op ons gezicht
Om alleen door te gaan, in een loopgraaf zonder licht
We zullen doorgaan, we zullen doorgaan
we zullen doorgaan, tot we samen zijn

We zullen doorgaan, telkens als we stilstaan
Om weer door te gaan, naakt in een orkaan
We zullen doorgaan, we zullen doorgaan
We zullen doorgaan, tot we samen zijn

We zullen doorgaan, als niemand meer verwacht
Dat we weer doorgaan, in een sprakeloze nacht
We zullen doorgaan, we zullen doorgaan
We zullen doorgaan, tot we samen zijn

Bookmark Hope.


Hurt heart.

April 18, 2007

 

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Hurt heart.
Let it be.
The hurt.
Yes there, a little bit to the left, a little higher.

Heart.
Feel hurt.
OK no prob.
You are allowed.
You have good reason.
You are allowed.
OK no prob.
Feel hurt.
Heart.

Wounded.
By arrows.
Sharpened by ignorance.
Sharpened by unfulfilled expectation.
Sharpened by attachment.

Hurt heart.
Never forget.
The light beyond.
The light behind.

The light that makes you soft again.
The light that cares for you and let you shine.
The light that colours you
golden.
and makes your hurt seems olden.

Hurt heart.
Never forget.
To be golden.
Again.

Ans

Bookmark Hurt heart.


I am beautiful… ~Intimacy with myself as base for true friendship.~

February 27, 2007

Intimacy is a willingness to expose our deepest feelings and vulnerabilities. Real intimacy is only possible with the trust that the other person will treat our openness with care. Ultimately, intimacy has to be grounded in an inner strength that knows that even if that trust is betrayed, we will not suffer any permanent damage.
~Osho~

ans-2007-duitsland-3.jpg

The last two months I experienced the above quote in my own life. I like to be open and to share what is going on inside myself, especially with friends. Normally, I have a healthy amount of trust to do so. But at the beginning of this year my trust got weakened by a difficult experience I had with a friend here in Thailand. I thought we were good friends but she let me know that this was not the case and that even the opposite was true: I was a bad man and she wanted me out of her life.

I was surprised, confused and felt like a victim. I did not understand why she felt like this and there was no way to find out. In stead of following my victim feelings and creating some drama, I respected her choice and stay out of her life.

The last two months, I ‘ve spend most of the time on my own. I went inside, trying to understand why I was suffering. The reason is very simple. My friendship was not completely based on inner strength but on expectations. Expectations I had because of the experiences we shared in the past. Once this was clear, I used the rest of the time to go beyond these expectations and victim-mindstates. Beyond, I discovered this inner strength. It feels like strong life energy running through my body. The mind is very calm and I just enjoy to be with myself. From this space it is easy to accept and love others as they truly are, whatever they may say, changing from moment to moment.

I experience that it is easy to drop out of this inner strength. That’s why I want to develop the connection with the core of my being even more and use it as the foundation for all my friendships (360 and in real life).

I like my Thai friend. She is just herself eventhough it seems sometimes harsh. Just by being how she is, she gave me a great gift. The gift of selfdiscovery. The gift of true friendship.

Your friend,

Ans

Bookmark I am beautiful… ~Intimacy with myself as base for true friendship.~


Unknown future.

April 20, 2006

I am back home. Indeed, I consider Hakendover, a little village here in Belgium, as my home. It is the place where I grew up, where I ‘ve spend a lot of my life until now. But at the same time I am not sure if I will settle here again. My family lives here and that is the main reason why I come back. Home of the past, but also home of the future? Not sure yet.

I know I will start again someday. Settling down, being part of a social network.

But I don’t know what to do at this moment. Is the time ripe yet to settle or do I prefer one more year of travelling? I am in a kind of a void. Not sure what I want, difficult to make up my mind. I have no clarity about my future. Which direction I will go. Complete empty mind in this matter. This is not bad, it is just a state of being and I am sure that it will pass. That it will become clear again what to do, where to go. It feels like the time is not ripe yet for my heart to speak to me. This gives me an uneasy feeling sometimes. But I still have the trust that everything will be fine.

There are expectations from the world what I should do now. But I know that following expectations of others is not the way to be happy. I can do nothing else as waiting for my heart to speak to me, waiting for the things to change, waiting for clarity. Accepting unclarity. Accepting uncertain feeling. Accepting my not-knowing.

There are expectations in my own mind. But I also know that being attached to this expectations is cause for suffering. So, I also try to unmask them and let them go. I try to stay in the moment, to be with my breathing and to observe what comes. For the moment it is busy here at my parents place because of the big family party on Easter monday. It brings the family together in a nice way. I try to be here with them 100%. That’s my job right here right now. Afterwards, I will have time for myself again.

Everything changes. Unclarity becomes clarity. All I need is patience.

Ans Artwork by S. Williams, untitled, Landover, Maryland.

Bookmark Unknown future.


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