Ans' Weblog

I like to share a strange experience I had today. I woke up with a feeling that something really terrible would happen. Something to do with dying.

The last two weeks, death is visiting me often. Two weeks ago, the brother of my friend had an accident. Last Friday I attended the funeral of a niece of my mother. She died from old age. Last Friday night the grandmother of An, my landlady, died. And then this morning this strange feeling.

I went for a walk in the citypark of Wilrijk, close to my new residence. When I go for a walk like this, there is no goal. I just follow my feet and see what happens. My feet know where to go. In this way the most magical things may happen. This time my feet guided me to a graveyard, next to the park. It was the first time I saw this graveyard and I was impressed by the silence and the quietness of the death. Very peaceful, partly due to the green environment of the surroundings.

A rose bush was flowering with pink roses. There was a grave in the shape of a heart. The whole environment made me feel easy about death. Death is not necessary bad. Death can be very peaceful and beautiful.
After a while I noticed my name on one of the graves. Ans. Funny, I thought so. But then I saw my name on another grave. And another, and another… Many of the graves underneath the rose bush, were carrying my name. I was surprised.

Slowly the understanding came that today was my day to die. Not literally of course, but dying at the inside. Letting go of parts of myself that were ready to leave. Parts of myself that served me well, but are no longer of any use. In particular the Ans who looks always outside to find happiness. The Ans who craves to have a partner. The Ans who creates stories that are not true. The Ans who tries to fulfil expectations of others by sacrificing his own authenticity…

That Ans was ready to leave and the surrounding helped me to say goodbye with an easy feeling. The heart-grave, the rose bush and the green around made the parting bearable. Thank you Ans for everything you have done. I have loved you and hated you. I wanted to follow you and wanted to kill you. Above all, I was so used to you. You were so familiar, and that’s why the farewell hurts a little. What will happen next? How can I live my life without you? Fear for the unknown.

Deep inside, I know it is time for you to go. Time to make space.Be happy my friend.
Rest in peace.Ans

statue at the graveyard and a wondrous rainbow.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 11th, 2007 at 16:17 and is filed under ☻ personal, ☼ insights and information. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.